Monday, July 11, 2011


When I think of the S.W.A.T. team I think of some serious shit going down. Guns blazin, Seagal kickin, Kano rip your heart out shitstorm with a fu manchu. Now, I'm not one that does illegal activities, unless you can catch me ridin dirty...but seriously being around a S.W.A.T. training facility made me a little nervous. Not sure why, cause it's not like they were gonna break me down for going a little overboard on the tiramasu samples at whole foods last week (get some foos). Anyway, I took one look at the course they had set up for us and I was all smiles. You see, I always wanted to be a navy seal, but never made the commitment. I was always intrigued by the log PT and mini tests they put you through during the de-selection process. Since I never went through BUDS, this was my time to shine.

The first workout we did was a team log carry and tire spin?. 3 of us carried the log, and 2 spun a huge ass tire for a good amount of distance, maybe a mile and a half. I spent most of my time carrying the log, which I really didn't mind at all. Frankly, I thought it was easier. We followed a park trail and were passed by yoggers who proceeded to look at us like we left our minds to bake in our cars. I took a break from the log to roll the tire with Christmas which turned out to be friggin hilarious. As soon as placed my hands on the tire and helped guide it along the trail we hit the top of a hill. I decided, wtf, let's just allow this here tire to navigate itself down the hill, that'll be easier on us........I watched in shear horror as it rolled out of control directly to my unsuspecting teammates. The human bowling game had now commenced. I ran as fast as I could to re-direct the tire, which worked with minimal success. The tire slammed into a close tree and toppled over. I was laughing my ass off in my head. I don't know why it was so funny...wait yeah I do. I quickly switched out onto the log as to not continue my path of destruction. When we finished the workout my shoulders were bruised to shit, but I felt awesome.

The second workout was a hodgepodge of kickass stuff. The S.W.A.T. instructors made it more interesting by creating a story that coincided with what we were physically doing. I don't remember the story verbatim but, my version is just as accurate. So it starts off as such:

There's a serial killer on the loose. This guy is sick, and I mean fucking disgusting. He's known to murder crossfitters left and right and he's got a taste for LuLu's lemons. His victim's bodies are scattered all over the backyard, but they are still alive (6 heavy ass tires). Your job is to stack the bodies one on top of another so the extraction team can pull em out. (This duty was pretty funny because the last tire had to be launched off your body onto the top. I basically still have tire tread imprinted on my thighs from throwing it up there.) Once the bodies are stacked you have to bring the rocket launchers, AK's, C4, and other gear weighing 70# over a 6ft. wall. Throw the gear over the wall, jump over, and continue. Once over the walls you will find a log. Flip that shit. (Not sure where this fit into the story). Next is a disabled cop car. Your job is to push the car to a safe location and bring gasoline jugs over to the cop car and fill it up. The getaway vehicle is now ready to go. Next scale the wall of the compound and setup a sniper post on the roof. When you see the scumbag blow his brains out. The End.

Anyway you get the idea. Probably not the same exact story the S.W.A.T. officer told, but close. It was alot more exciting than most workout stuff I do on a regular basis and so I was pretty thankful to get the opportunity to do that. Which I guess brings up my main point.

I wouldnt have been able to do any of this had it not been for Crossfit. I don't have sponsors or endorsement deals, but the opportunities like the S.W.A.T. team training make life rich. It's experiences on a smaller scale that sometimes mean the most. We all talk about functional fitness but how many of us get broken down in the gym and look like handicap assholes in real life? Get out of the gym and do something different!

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