Friday, July 22, 2011

Off to see the wizard!

This is gonna be my last post before the games because I don't want this blog to suck any drop of work capacity that I have left in my body, and staying current with it during this time is about as easy as isolating the Higgs particle with a paper clip, snorkel, and slice of swiss cheese. Just to make it clear I'm saving my body for two things: 1)Destroying the 2011 Reebok Crossfit Games with my Bros and Bras, and 2)Slaying the glutonious orgy of food and non exercise that will ensue afterwards. I've already made a list of food and other stuff that I plan on annhialating so I assure you that I have thought this out thoroughly and calculated it with extreme precision, Crossfit New England eat your heart out. I'm not entirely sure who is all out there, but I'm open to suggestions. I don't even care if you are in a different city, state, country, whatever. If you know of some must have food, post that shit to comments and I will put it on my list. Now, I also understand that as individual human beings, some of us like caramelized sheeps testicles or some scary shit like that....thats not me. If it sounds slightly weird, I'll consider it. If it sounds like you ate that shit to survive just so a lost villager could maybe get you help...I'll pass. This will be both desserts and regular eats (nonpaleo/non zone only)So hit me up.

My list thus far in no particular order:
1) Gooey Louie Buttercake-all of them
2) The Elegant Farmer apple pie in a brown bag- straight from Wisconsin
3) Krispy Kreme- glazed and Bostom Creme
4)Oreo Klondike Sandwich
5)Cheesecake Factory chocolate tuxedo cream cheesecake
6)Deep Fried Pickles-Tylers
7)Whole Foods Harvest Berry Pie
8) The Pit- Sangria, banana bread pudding, honey infused cornbread
9)Mellow Mushroom garlic glazed pretzels
10)An entire pizza from CPK
11)Jeni's salty caramel ice cream
12)Goodberry's Sandstorm

Monday, July 11, 2011


When I think of the S.W.A.T. team I think of some serious shit going down. Guns blazin, Seagal kickin, Kano rip your heart out shitstorm with a fu manchu. Now, I'm not one that does illegal activities, unless you can catch me ridin dirty...but seriously being around a S.W.A.T. training facility made me a little nervous. Not sure why, cause it's not like they were gonna break me down for going a little overboard on the tiramasu samples at whole foods last week (get some foos). Anyway, I took one look at the course they had set up for us and I was all smiles. You see, I always wanted to be a navy seal, but never made the commitment. I was always intrigued by the log PT and mini tests they put you through during the de-selection process. Since I never went through BUDS, this was my time to shine.

The first workout we did was a team log carry and tire spin?. 3 of us carried the log, and 2 spun a huge ass tire for a good amount of distance, maybe a mile and a half. I spent most of my time carrying the log, which I really didn't mind at all. Frankly, I thought it was easier. We followed a park trail and were passed by yoggers who proceeded to look at us like we left our minds to bake in our cars. I took a break from the log to roll the tire with Christmas which turned out to be friggin hilarious. As soon as placed my hands on the tire and helped guide it along the trail we hit the top of a hill. I decided, wtf, let's just allow this here tire to navigate itself down the hill, that'll be easier on us........I watched in shear horror as it rolled out of control directly to my unsuspecting teammates. The human bowling game had now commenced. I ran as fast as I could to re-direct the tire, which worked with minimal success. The tire slammed into a close tree and toppled over. I was laughing my ass off in my head. I don't know why it was so funny...wait yeah I do. I quickly switched out onto the log as to not continue my path of destruction. When we finished the workout my shoulders were bruised to shit, but I felt awesome.

The second workout was a hodgepodge of kickass stuff. The S.W.A.T. instructors made it more interesting by creating a story that coincided with what we were physically doing. I don't remember the story verbatim but, my version is just as accurate. So it starts off as such:

There's a serial killer on the loose. This guy is sick, and I mean fucking disgusting. He's known to murder crossfitters left and right and he's got a taste for LuLu's lemons. His victim's bodies are scattered all over the backyard, but they are still alive (6 heavy ass tires). Your job is to stack the bodies one on top of another so the extraction team can pull em out. (This duty was pretty funny because the last tire had to be launched off your body onto the top. I basically still have tire tread imprinted on my thighs from throwing it up there.) Once the bodies are stacked you have to bring the rocket launchers, AK's, C4, and other gear weighing 70# over a 6ft. wall. Throw the gear over the wall, jump over, and continue. Once over the walls you will find a log. Flip that shit. (Not sure where this fit into the story). Next is a disabled cop car. Your job is to push the car to a safe location and bring gasoline jugs over to the cop car and fill it up. The getaway vehicle is now ready to go. Next scale the wall of the compound and setup a sniper post on the roof. When you see the scumbag blow his brains out. The End.

Anyway you get the idea. Probably not the same exact story the S.W.A.T. officer told, but close. It was alot more exciting than most workout stuff I do on a regular basis and so I was pretty thankful to get the opportunity to do that. Which I guess brings up my main point.

I wouldnt have been able to do any of this had it not been for Crossfit. I don't have sponsors or endorsement deals, but the opportunities like the S.W.A.T. team training make life rich. It's experiences on a smaller scale that sometimes mean the most. We all talk about functional fitness but how many of us get broken down in the gym and look like handicap assholes in real life? Get out of the gym and do something different!

Friday, July 1, 2011

Haters need hatin!

One of the highlights of my day is simply checking out all the hatin on Crossfit and Crossfitters. Its really funny shit if you haven't read it. Most of it is clever, but some of it is like Kathy Griffin's plastic surgery, it just doesn't make sense, but is filled with plenty of sarcasm. There's videos, blogs, forums, and even entire websites dedicated to hatin on Crossfit. It's getting more popular and growing faster than your upside down tomato garden. Just google "hate crossfit" and you'll pretty much get most of it. I'm seeing a trend so I anticipate more and more haters to come.

I've found of few of these groups, for instance:

Crossfit Haters group 1 are simply the ex-crossfitters turned lifters. The story starts off similar among this group. They were people who used to be fat or out of shape and by shear chance they found crossfit and got shredded. Sooner or later the testosterone button was getting pushed a little too frequently and finally they decided that met-cons are for weak ass bitches. Their only desire is to be as big, and strong, and scary as possible. They yearn to hit that high-school reunion and Hulk Smash everyone into oblivion. They enjoy only non-paleo 70s BIG meals, hard liquor, porn, non-WADA approved supplements, and yelling. They will continuously knock crossfitters as idiots in the strength department and propose their method as the one that works. I don't need to remind people that Spencer Hendel backsquats 500#+ and squat cleans 335#....yeh he should probably stop being so weak and just focus on strength.

Crossfit Haters group 2 are basically the globo fooz. Back and bi's, chest and tri's etc. You can spot em out from their torn up shirts from football glory days and they periodically will check out their nipples in the mirrors just to make sure they are hard. They don't like crossfit because it's messing with their swagger. Gym, Tan, non-laundry....cuz my smell is musky.

Crossfit Haters group 3 are simply the roided out lifters. They want to rape and pillage, pillage and rape. They wish nothing more than the end of Crossfit, and their sport of....being huge? to come to fruition. They charge ~$150-250 for a phone consult and much more if you decide to take their advice for training/nutrition. They also make fun of crossfitters paying 1k for a cert., but at the same time charge more than Bono for their time.

Crossfit Haters group 4 are actual crossfitters who hate other crossfitters.

I'm trying to figure this group out but am having a hard time understanding these people.

If you know any other haters post to comments.