Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Crossfit Games Videogame Part Deux!

So you are doing pretty well at the regional competition now that you got some swag and your spandexed out junk mesmerized the judge and got you through the thrusters. Congrats. You are now ready for the Home Depot Center Level!!!!! Or are you?

You must either save your game now to continue to L.A. or return back to a different regional to gain further cash for your world domination.

I decided to go back and dominate all the regionals and load up on special powers for the games. Ain't no tellin what can come out of Dave Castro's hair, I mean hopper box! Better cover your ass with maxed out special powers or extremely tight lululemon I always say. Insert Motley Crue Girls, girls, girls here.

I suggest doing the Asia and Latin America regionals first since all you have to do is complete a wod Rx to qualify, there is no competition at all...I mean that. You could be like two Jazzy wheelchairs deep in your own handicappedness and still come in first. Complete all regionals and you'll be prime for the games, lose one though and you'll be forced to start the regionals over like AJ Moore on Groundhog Day. You are still my hero...Ludus bro.

Now comes the fun part, the Crossfit Games!!! Muhaaa aa aahhh!!! Once you save the game, you'll be treated to a cut scene of Greg Glassman flying down to the center of the stadium in a Blackhawk helicopter and performing an exact rendition of Rhythm Nation. If you weren't expecting that then you don't know Crossfit.

At this point, the games begin and you will have to perform 12 Wods over the course of 3 days or in gamer time, 8 hours straight. You'll have to execute precise bathroom breaks and keep a stockpile of Paleokrunch/kits nearby followed by coconut water to make it through the end. Any non-paleo items like Totinos Pizza Rolls, Pillsbury Toaster Strudel, or Code Red (essential gaming food) will cost you performance on your end. Do you want that? Huh? That guilt? That guilt of stuffing your face with that masterful work of lab engineered sustenance? I didn't think so.......nom nom nom nom, gulp gulp gulp. Ahhhhhhhhhh. Burrrrrrrrrrrp. Go Whole9!

As you complete each WOD it is the utmost importance to continually use your cash at Whole Foods to maintain your overall strength and endurance as well as perform special moves when the wod calls for it. If you run out of cash at any point in the games and can no longer support Whole Foods then by the end you will literally turn into a paleo eating zombie. You then get torn to pieces by fellow crossfitters and used as equipment for future wods. They don't call them slam balls for nothing. Insert grotesque visual here.
If you make it to the end and win then you start the game over and begin training for next year. So real it hurts.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Crossfit Video Game by EA Sports!!!!! Part 1!

I'm convinced that EA Sports is in the final development of one of THE greatest sports games in the history of gaming. The Crossfit Games All-Stars! You may be asking yourself, what is this game all about and how do I get my hands on it! Well ask no more. Here is the low-down.

The game begins in a dusty crappy old garage. You can customize your own character or select from past and current games competitors. SPOILER ALERT!!! Remember Oddjob from GoldenEye on the 64?, well Chris Spealer is basically the same thing in this game. Don't tell your friends though, keep the domination on stealth mode. OPT starts off hot, but then craps out, Josh Everett kills all Oly Lifts with the special split move, and Jason Khalipa destroys most stuff except long runs, he actually dies. These are to just name a few options. Wardrobe selections are initally provided by Russell Athletics or Spalding, but once you level up you can buy Life as Rx, 2POOD, Lululemon, or Rogue to name a few. Buying clothing gives you style points and cred, which can influence judging at local and regional competitions, but you will have to weigh spending later between clothing, whole foods, and equipment so don't blow your wod.

You start your journey on foot trying to convince fools, I mean potential clients, of Crossfit's superiority over their Globo routine. Convincing comes in the form of small gym throwdowns. These are easy as pie unless you get challenged with some bench press, which depending on your challenger, you could lose. When you get to the firebreather gyms in later rounds like Valley Crossfit, Front Range, or RAW Training they become increasingly harder. If you lose to a girl you get stripped of all your upgrades and start from the beginning so whatever you do, do not do that! I will come back to this later.

The small gym throwdowns consist of basic benchmarks, Fran, Murph, Helen, etc. Most of your challengers die of lack of oxygen or vomit continuously before you have time to even get warmed up. So savor in the cash you will earn from picking them up. You earn more cash by holding worthless in box seminars from old broken down coaches with PVC pipe and Paleo challenges that everyone cheats on. Yeah!

Once you start getting a couple G's then here is how your money can be used:

Use the cash to buy more equipment for gaining additional clients-which in turn gives you more special powers

Use the cash to buy more clothing/gear-which influences judging and lets you cheat reps at the games(very important)


Use your cash to go to whole foods-which increases your strength and endurance

Now the special moves only come in handy when the wod asks for it, so this is pretty much a lottery. They can range from maniacal muscle-ups to atomic oly lifts. Upgrade wisely. If the wod don't fit, your special move is not legit. This will be covered further in Part 2.

So back to the game. You are earning good cold hard cash and gaining all sorts of awesome upgrades. Sooner or later you will get challeneged by Firebreather boxes. Now these can be either by men or women. If your character is a woman and you beat a dude, he immediately bursts into flames and is forced to undergo a rapid sex change operation in order to come back and compete.

If you are a dude and you think that you will lose to a girl then you must immediately fork over all of your remaining cash to the judge so he can AJ Moore her ass and give her continuous no reps. This will destroy your cash flow for the time being, but will prevent you from utter humiliation and starting the game over.

As you progres the local competitions will give you free samples of Progenex and paleo-kits, but these don't help out too much. At the regional competitons you will earn free gear. If your character is a girl then this can consist of see through bras and booty shorts. If your character is a dude then it's most likely small tank tops and only extra-small SKINS. Wearing these revealing articles of clothing will cause confusion within the judges and most likely they will have to look away from your range of motion. These moments you must use to cheat reps or shorten the range of motion to save energy.

Part 2 Coming Soon!

Friday, June 17, 2011

Tattoo Help!

I got my first tattoo at the age of 17 and everyone thought I was crazy for doing so, not because it was just a tattoo but because it was a half sleeve that I sat 7 hours for. I wouldn't recommend this route to any 17 yr old but hey, teenage anarchy was calling.

This basically highlights the first rule in tattoos: Always get them for yourself and never for anything or anyone else. Just cause it's awesome right now to get a Captain Jack Sparrow portrait across your balls or the green lantern symbol on your eyelids, doesn't mean that it's for you. Never follow trends with tattoos you'll regret that shit in no time.

If you plan to get something that's overused i.e. lotus flower, barbed wire, dolphins flipping into grinders, tribal band, etc. make sure you REALLY HAVE TO HAVE IT. These will cause you more pain than joy and damage your rep as....whatever that may be. If you already have one......may god have mercy on your soul.

If you happen to have a tramp stamp then I would suggest building off of it to something larger. If you have an awesome ass, chances are dudes are gonna look at it anyway so the amazing giraffe that you have there probably isn't gonna blow their socks off. If you don't have an awesome ass then you probably shouldn't draw attention to that area anyway. Probably better to express yourself in a different area on your body.

The best places to look for tattoo's is NOT Miami Ink/New York ink or L.A. Ink but right around the corner. It's not always feasible to get the celebrity artist, especially when they charge $1500 min or $250-300 an hour. You'll have to fly out, stay in a hotel, blah blah...not too cool unless you are already going to be in a specific location during a time they have free, but even then, their style may not jive with yours or what you want. Your killer tribute to Michael Jackson, could end up a backup dancer from Thriller or better yet, a half naked zombie feeding on some dead corpse. Stick to what YOU want and don't always let the Artist run away with your idea.

If you know far enough in advance then maybe you could hit Paul Booth, Clay Decker, or Kat Von D, but these artists are sometimes booked years in advance, believe it or not.

Check out artist's in your area and see what they do. If you like them then talk to em first about what you want. Custom work can run you $100-175 an hour, but then again it's worth it cause no one will have what you have. Unless you put it on the internet and someone copies it. Happens more than you know.

Now I've been going to the same artist all my life. Tony De Rigo at Chronic Tattoo in Elyria, OH. I can't even count how many hours I have sat with Tony under the needle but my guess is it's a couple days worth. He is a total diamond in the ruff. Some of THE BEST tattoo work I have ever seen and he happens to be a really nice guy. Sure he doesn't have his own T.V. show and clothing line, but if he happened to be in a different location like one of those major cities, I guarantee he would. He has a very traditional style but can make anything work. If you happen to be going to OH look him up. You won't regret it.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Crossfit Games and Reebok

Giving the blog a short break from the usual nonsense to let ya'll know that our team Crossfit Raleigh will be competing at the Crossfit Mid Atlantic Regional this weekend. Even though we finished 16th in our region, I feel that our team is really well rounded and will have a good shot at potentially qualifying. Every single one of us has poured alot into our team cup and by now it's overflowing. We all come from different backgrounds and places but we remain committed to each other and the people who helped get us here. I think I speak for all of us when I say that we never achieve our athletic dreams alone. There are communities, friends, family, coaches, servicemembers, etc. who all support and inspire us. We thank you all.

I wrote the above just before leaving for regionals. I was going to post it, but thought that I would try to revisit the blog after the dust and carnage had settled. Plus I had to make sure we didn't totally bomb and thus I would have to alter the above statement.

To say that I am incredibly excited to return to the crossfit games is an understatement. I might be putting too much emphasis on it, but I feel that going to the games has been one of the greatest moments of my life. To have another opportunity to do that, well thats just some thick luscious gravy. You know what I'm talking about Paula Dean!

Last year, just before leaving the games in L.A. to return home, Christmas, Brandon, Jason, and myself talked about coming back and making it to the last day of competition. We said it with a little more confidence than bullshit trust me, and that wasnt the Harry Buffalo talking. We knew we had it in us.

If you all didn't know about last year, we got cut the first day and were forced to party like rock stars for the rest of our time there. It was hard, let me tell you. Bittersweet really. I mean, we flew all the way out and didn't perform as well as we wanted, but the consolation was to get wasted, eat fish tacos, and watch other people destroy their bodies. Anyway, That was and still is our goal. Not to party like rock stars, but make it to the last day sober and awesome.

This year we fought tooth and nail for the LAST spot to the games. RAW training and Reston pretty much had 1 and 2 on lockdown, so 3rd was up for grabs. Every team we competed against fought just as hard and gave it everything they had. PR's were made and blood was shed. It was like Die Hard meets Terminator meets Gladiator meets Rambo. I'm convinced that no one half asses a competition wod. Everyone brings it, just like in the movie.

I know people are on the fence about Reebok and Crossfit, but my $0.02 says its good. Crossfit Raleigh would have been just as happy making it to the games if it were 4 years ago and we were headed to the ranch with no Reebok gear at all. We qualified for ourselves, teammates and community. We didn't do it for free gear, sports contracts, or endorsements. But if Progenex is listening, I could rock some more stuff if you know what I mean. The fact that we made it and got fitted for Reebok gear was icing on the cake. It didn't make the cake, but it sure as hell made it taste better. I remember a guy I knew back in college who ran track and was sponsored by Nike, he got tons of free gear and I thought it was the coolest thing ever. Never would I have thought that one day I would be getting the same treatment. Who knows where things will go, but Reebok makes a good start.To the anti-reebok crossfitters: No one is telling you to go out and buy Reebok in order to do Crossfit. In fact, you will continue to wod in boardshorts, chucks, and boners. Thats cool. But if Reebok wants to support out sport, I say that is awesome because it's alot better than FILA, FuBu, K-swiss, or L.A. Gear.