Wednesday, June 29, 2011
So you are doing pretty well at the regional competition now that you got some swag and your spandexed out junk mesmerized the judge and got you through the thrusters. Congrats. You are now ready for the Home Depot Center Level!!!!! Or are you?
You must either save your game now to continue to L.A. or return back to a different regional to gain further cash for your world domination.
I decided to go back and dominate all the regionals and load up on special powers for the games. Ain't no tellin what can come out of Dave Castro's hair, I mean hopper box! Better cover your ass with maxed out special powers or extremely tight lululemon I always say. Insert Motley Crue Girls, girls, girls here.
I suggest doing the Asia and Latin America regionals first since all you have to do is complete a wod Rx to qualify, there is no competition at all...I mean that. You could be like two Jazzy wheelchairs deep in your own handicappedness and still come in first. Complete all regionals and you'll be prime for the games, lose one though and you'll be forced to start the regionals over like AJ Moore on Groundhog Day. You are still my hero...Ludus bro.
Now comes the fun part, the Crossfit Games!!! Muhaaa aa aahhh!!! Once you save the game, you'll be treated to a cut scene of Greg Glassman flying down to the center of the stadium in a Blackhawk helicopter and performing an exact rendition of Rhythm Nation. If you weren't expecting that then you don't know Crossfit.
At this point, the games begin and you will have to perform 12 Wods over the course of 3 days or in gamer time, 8 hours straight. You'll have to execute precise bathroom breaks and keep a stockpile of Paleokrunch/kits nearby followed by coconut water to make it through the end. Any non-paleo items like Totinos Pizza Rolls, Pillsbury Toaster Strudel, or Code Red (essential gaming food) will cost you performance on your end. Do you want that? Huh? That guilt? That guilt of stuffing your face with that masterful work of lab engineered sustenance? I didn't think so.......nom nom nom nom, gulp gulp gulp. Ahhhhhhhhhh. Burrrrrrrrrrrp. Go Whole9!
As you complete each WOD it is the utmost importance to continually use your cash at Whole Foods to maintain your overall strength and endurance as well as perform special moves when the wod calls for it. If you run out of cash at any point in the games and can no longer support Whole Foods then by the end you will literally turn into a paleo eating zombie. You then get torn to pieces by fellow crossfitters and used as equipment for future wods. They don't call them slam balls for nothing. Insert grotesque visual here.
If you make it to the end and win then you start the game over and begin training for next year. So real it hurts.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Use your cash to go to whole foods-which increases your strength and endurance
So back to the game. You are earning good cold hard cash and gaining all sorts of awesome upgrades. Sooner or later you will get challeneged by Firebreather boxes. Now these can be either by men or women. If your character is a woman and you beat a dude, he immediately bursts into flames and is forced to undergo a rapid sex change operation in order to come back and compete.
If you are a dude and you think that you will lose to a girl then you must immediately fork over all of your remaining cash to the judge so he can AJ Moore her ass and give her continuous no reps. This will destroy your cash flow for the time being, but will prevent you from utter humiliation and starting the game over.
As you progres the local competitions will give you free samples of Progenex and paleo-kits, but these don't help out too much. At the regional competitons you will earn free gear. If your character is a girl then this can consist of see through bras and booty shorts. If your character is a dude then it's most likely small tank tops and only extra-small SKINS. Wearing these revealing articles of clothing will cause confusion within the judges and most likely they will have to look away from your range of motion. These moments you must use to cheat reps or shorten the range of motion to save energy.
Part 2 Coming Soon!
Friday, June 17, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
I wrote the above just before leaving for regionals. I was going to post it, but thought that I would try to revisit the blog after the dust and carnage had settled. Plus I had to make sure we didn't totally bomb and thus I would have to alter the above statement.
To say that I am incredibly excited to return to the crossfit games is an understatement. I might be putting too much emphasis on it, but I feel that going to the games has been one of the greatest moments of my life. To have another opportunity to do that, well thats just some thick luscious gravy. You know what I'm talking about Paula Dean!
Last year, just before leaving the games in L.A. to return home, Christmas, Brandon, Jason, and myself talked about coming back and making it to the last day of competition. We said it with a little more confidence than bullshit trust me, and that wasnt the Harry Buffalo talking. We knew we had it in us.
If you all didn't know about last year, we got cut the first day and were forced to party like rock stars for the rest of our time there. It was hard, let me tell you. Bittersweet really. I mean, we flew all the way out and didn't perform as well as we wanted, but the consolation was to get wasted, eat fish tacos, and watch other people destroy their bodies. Anyway, That was and still is our goal. Not to party like rock stars, but make it to the last day sober and awesome.
This year we fought tooth and nail for the LAST spot to the games. RAW training and Reston pretty much had 1 and 2 on lockdown, so 3rd was up for grabs. Every team we competed against fought just as hard and gave it everything they had. PR's were made and blood was shed. It was like Die Hard meets Terminator meets Gladiator meets Rambo. I'm convinced that no one half asses a competition wod. Everyone brings it, just like in the movie.
I know people are on the fence about Reebok and Crossfit, but my $0.02 says its good. Crossfit Raleigh would have been just as happy making it to the games if it were 4 years ago and we were headed to the ranch with no Reebok gear at all. We qualified for ourselves, teammates and community. We didn't do it for free gear, sports contracts, or endorsements. But if Progenex is listening, I could rock some more stuff if you know what I mean. The fact that we made it and got fitted for Reebok gear was icing on the cake. It didn't make the cake, but it sure as hell made it taste better. I remember a guy I knew back in college who ran track and was sponsored by Nike, he got tons of free gear and I thought it was the coolest thing ever. Never would I have thought that one day I would be getting the same treatment. Who knows where things will go, but Reebok makes a good start.To the anti-reebok crossfitters: No one is telling you to go out and buy Reebok in order to do Crossfit. In fact, you will continue to wod in boardshorts, chucks, and boners. Thats cool. But if Reebok wants to support out sport, I say that is awesome because it's alot better than FILA, FuBu, K-swiss, or L.A. Gear.