Revamped

I've decided to revamp my blog since I had no time to really devote to it during the school year. Yes I'm still in school. Trying to come up with posts about this and that was a lot more time consuming than I thought. For the upcoming posts I'll make it a point to keep them short and simple. If you want to continue to follow, Great! If you'd rather drink some Stroh's and pass out in a lawn chair, knock yourself out.

Since I've been gone....

I have eventually found out that it ain't easy to keep up with a blog. You think, "I don't need to write this shit, everyone knows what I'm doing." Then I decided screw it, I'll blog anyway, although I'm pretty sure my fan base of 1 hasn't grown.

Sooooooo, since my last post a lot has happened.

First I got to say that I'm very proud of our team's finish at the 2011 Reebok Crossfit Games. The experience was phenomenal and I wouldn't trade a second of it for the world. Everyone put forth 100% effort and it was awesome to be rewarded for that with a 16th place finish. I'm hoping to continue to train hard and make it back with the team next year. I love the team competition. Even if I was good enough to go as an individual, I'd still do the team. For me the individual stuff is too much pressure, but thats just me. If I screw up someone on the team can step up or if they screw up I can step up. If we both screw up then...its still fun.

Second, Graduate school has made it more difficult to train when I want to, but I think I'm finding a balance which has been great. The added rest has been extremely noticeable on my strength numbers which to me now, seem ridiculous. I don't think I would have thought I would be putting up the numbers I am now, a year ago. I probably would have told you thats impossible. So if you are reading this and you haven't been progressing the way you want and have been Rich Froning your wods, then you may want to back off a little and see what happens. Frankly, I don't know how some of the superstars of Crossfit balance law school, med school, or whatever with high volume training. I just don't have time for shit anymore and have to choose activities carefully. If you are one of those people who hits the gym 10x a day and has a professional career not athletic related, I despise you.

The most important component to my training though is that I have been pushing it for myself, not anyone else. I don't need to prove my strength/crossfit worth by comparing this and that with other people. You need to be thankful for what you have, what you are given to improve, and how you use that improvement. If you only care about beating someone else then you will never be the best that you can be.....G.I. Joe or something.

Aside from training, school has been a welcomed gift. I've been wanting to go back to school for a while and I think I have applied to more programs than anyone I can think of so getting in was like winning the lottery. Now that I'm doing well in the program I can continue to focus on what I need to do to get a good project and less on trying to prove to myself that I belong in the there.

Off to see the wizard!

This is gonna be my last post before the games because I don't want this blog to suck any drop of work capacity that I have left in my body, and staying current with it during this time is about as easy as isolating the Higgs particle with a paper clip, snorkel, and slice of swiss cheese. Just to make it clear I'm saving my body for two things: 1)Destroying the 2011 Reebok Crossfit Games with my Bros and Bras, and 2)Slaying the glutonious orgy of food and non exercise that will ensue afterwards. I've already made a list of food and other stuff that I plan on annhialating so I assure you that I have thought this out thoroughly and calculated it with extreme precision, Crossfit New England eat your heart out. I'm not entirely sure who is all out there, but I'm open to suggestions. I don't even care if you are in a different city, state, country, whatever. If you know of some must have food, post that shit to comments and I will put it on my list. Now, I also understand that as individual human beings, some of us like caramelized sheeps testicles or some scary shit like that....thats not me. If it sounds slightly weird, I'll consider it. If it sounds like you ate that shit to survive just so a lost villager could maybe get you help...I'll pass. This will be both desserts and regular eats (nonpaleo/non zone only)So hit me up.

My list thus far in no particular order:
1) Gooey Louie Buttercake-all of them
2) The Elegant Farmer apple pie in a brown bag- straight from Wisconsin
3) Krispy Kreme- glazed and Bostom Creme
4)Oreo Klondike Sandwich
5)Cheesecake Factory chocolate tuxedo cream cheesecake
6)Deep Fried Pickles-Tylers
7)Whole Foods Harvest Berry Pie
8) The Pit- Sangria, banana bread pudding, honey infused cornbread
9)Mellow Mushroom garlic glazed pretzels
10)An entire pizza from CPK
11)Jeni's salty caramel ice cream
12)Goodberry's Sandstorm
13)Waffles-?
14)Butterbeer

S.W.A.T.

When I think of the S.W.A.T. team I think of some serious shit going down. Guns blazin, Seagal kickin, Kano rip your heart out shitstorm with a fu manchu. Now, I'm not one that does illegal activities, unless you can catch me ridin dirty...but seriously being around a S.W.A.T. training facility made me a little nervous. Not sure why, cause it's not like they were gonna break me down for going a little overboard on the tiramasu samples at whole foods last week (get some foos). Anyway, I took one look at the course they had set up for us and I was all smiles. You see, I always wanted to be a navy seal, but never made the commitment. I was always intrigued by the log PT and mini tests they put you through during the de-selection process. Since I never went through BUDS, this was my time to shine.

The first workout we did was a team log carry and tire spin?. 3 of us carried the log, and 2 spun a huge ass tire for a good amount of distance, maybe a mile and a half. I spent most of my time carrying the log, which I really didn't mind at all. Frankly, I thought it was easier. We followed a park trail and were passed by yoggers who proceeded to look at us like we left our minds to bake in our cars. I took a break from the log to roll the tire with Christmas which turned out to be friggin hilarious. As soon as placed my hands on the tire and helped guide it along the trail we hit the top of a hill. I decided, wtf, let's just allow this here tire to navigate itself down the hill, that'll be easier on us........I watched in shear horror as it rolled out of control directly to my unsuspecting teammates. The human bowling game had now commenced. I ran as fast as I could to re-direct the tire, which worked with minimal success. The tire slammed into a close tree and toppled over. I was laughing my ass off in my head. I don't know why it was so funny...wait yeah I do. I quickly switched out onto the log as to not continue my path of destruction. When we finished the workout my shoulders were bruised to shit, but I felt awesome.

The second workout was a hodgepodge of kickass stuff. The S.W.A.T. instructors made it more interesting by creating a story that coincided with what we were physically doing. I don't remember the story verbatim but, my version is just as accurate. So it starts off as such:

There's a serial killer on the loose. This guy is sick, and I mean fucking disgusting. He's known to murder crossfitters left and right and he's got a taste for LuLu's lemons. His victim's bodies are scattered all over the backyard, but they are still alive (6 heavy ass tires). Your job is to stack the bodies one on top of another so the extraction team can pull em out. (This duty was pretty funny because the last tire had to be launched off your body onto the top. I basically still have tire tread imprinted on my thighs from throwing it up there.) Once the bodies are stacked you have to bring the rocket launchers, AK's, C4, and other gear weighing 70# over a 6ft. wall. Throw the gear over the wall, jump over, and continue. Once over the walls you will find a log. Flip that shit. (Not sure where this fit into the story). Next is a disabled cop car. Your job is to push the car to a safe location and bring gasoline jugs over to the cop car and fill it up. The getaway vehicle is now ready to go. Next scale the wall of the compound and setup a sniper post on the roof. When you see the scumbag blow his brains out. The End.

Anyway you get the idea. Probably not the same exact story the S.W.A.T. officer told, but close. It was alot more exciting than most workout stuff I do on a regular basis and so I was pretty thankful to get the opportunity to do that. Which I guess brings up my main point.

I wouldnt have been able to do any of this had it not been for Crossfit. I don't have sponsors or endorsement deals, but the opportunities like the S.W.A.T. team training make life rich. It's experiences on a smaller scale that sometimes mean the most. We all talk about functional fitness but how many of us get broken down in the gym and look like handicap assholes in real life? Get out of the gym and do something different!

Haters need hatin!

One of the highlights of my day is simply checking out all the hatin on Crossfit and Crossfitters. Its really funny shit if you haven't read it. Most of it is clever, but some of it is like Kathy Griffin's plastic surgery, it just doesn't make sense, but is filled with plenty of sarcasm. There's videos, blogs, forums, and even entire websites dedicated to hatin on Crossfit. It's getting more popular and growing faster than your upside down tomato garden. Just google "hate crossfit" and you'll pretty much get most of it. I'm seeing a trend so I anticipate more and more haters to come.

I've found of few of these groups, for instance:

Crossfit Haters group 1 are simply the ex-crossfitters turned lifters. The story starts off similar among this group. They were people who used to be fat or out of shape and by shear chance they found crossfit and got shredded. Sooner or later the testosterone button was getting pushed a little too frequently and finally they decided that met-cons are for weak ass bitches. Their only desire is to be as big, and strong, and scary as possible. They yearn to hit that high-school reunion and Hulk Smash everyone into oblivion. They enjoy only non-paleo 70s BIG meals, hard liquor, porn, non-WADA approved supplements, and yelling. They will continuously knock crossfitters as idiots in the strength department and propose their method as the one that works. I don't need to remind people that Spencer Hendel backsquats 500#+ and squat cleans 335#....yeh he should probably stop being so weak and just focus on strength.

Crossfit Haters group 2 are basically the globo fooz. Back and bi's, chest and tri's etc. You can spot em out from their torn up shirts from football glory days and they periodically will check out their nipples in the mirrors just to make sure they are hard. They don't like crossfit because it's messing with their swagger. Gym, Tan, non-laundry....cuz my smell is musky.

Crossfit Haters group 3 are simply the roided out lifters. They want to rape and pillage, pillage and rape. They wish nothing more than the end of Crossfit, and their sport of....being huge? to come to fruition. They charge ~$150-250 for a phone consult and much more if you decide to take their advice for training/nutrition. They also make fun of crossfitters paying 1k for a cert., but at the same time charge more than Bono for their time.

Crossfit Haters group 4 are actual crossfitters who hate other crossfitters.

I'm trying to figure this group out but am having a hard time understanding these people.

If you know any other haters post to comments.

Crossfit Games Videogame Part Deux!

So you are doing pretty well at the regional competition now that you got some swag and your spandexed out junk mesmerized the judge and got you through the thrusters. Congrats. You are now ready for the Home Depot Center Level!!!!! Or are you?

You must either save your game now to continue to L.A. or return back to a different regional to gain further cash for your world domination.

I decided to go back and dominate all the regionals and load up on special powers for the games. Ain't no tellin what can come out of Dave Castro's hair, I mean hopper box! Better cover your ass with maxed out special powers or extremely tight lululemon I always say. Insert Motley Crue Girls, girls, girls here.

I suggest doing the Asia and Latin America regionals first since all you have to do is complete a wod Rx to qualify, there is no competition at all...I mean that. You could be like two Jazzy wheelchairs deep in your own handicappedness and still come in first. Complete all regionals and you'll be prime for the games, lose one though and you'll be forced to start the regionals over like AJ Moore on Groundhog Day. You are still my hero...Ludus bro.

Now comes the fun part, the Crossfit Games!!! Muhaaa aa aahhh!!! Once you save the game, you'll be treated to a cut scene of Greg Glassman flying down to the center of the stadium in a Blackhawk helicopter and performing an exact rendition of Rhythm Nation. If you weren't expecting that then you don't know Crossfit.

At this point, the games begin and you will have to perform 12 Wods over the course of 3 days or in gamer time, 8 hours straight. You'll have to execute precise bathroom breaks and keep a stockpile of Paleokrunch/kits nearby followed by coconut water to make it through the end. Any non-paleo items like Totinos Pizza Rolls, Pillsbury Toaster Strudel, or Code Red (essential gaming food) will cost you performance on your end. Do you want that? Huh? That guilt? That guilt of stuffing your face with that masterful work of lab engineered sustenance? I didn't think so.......nom nom nom nom, gulp gulp gulp. Ahhhhhhhhhh. Burrrrrrrrrrrp. Go Whole9!

As you complete each WOD it is the utmost importance to continually use your cash at Whole Foods to maintain your overall strength and endurance as well as perform special moves when the wod calls for it. If you run out of cash at any point in the games and can no longer support Whole Foods then by the end you will literally turn into a paleo eating zombie. You then get torn to pieces by fellow crossfitters and used as equipment for future wods. They don't call them slam balls for nothing. Insert grotesque visual here.
If you make it to the end and win then you start the game over and begin training for next year. So real it hurts.

Crossfit Video Game by EA Sports!!!!! Part 1!

I'm convinced that EA Sports is in the final development of one of THE greatest sports games in the history of gaming. The Crossfit Games All-Stars! You may be asking yourself, what is this game all about and how do I get my hands on it! Well ask no more. Here is the low-down.

The game begins in a dusty crappy old garage. You can customize your own character or select from past and current games competitors. SPOILER ALERT!!! Remember Oddjob from GoldenEye on the 64?, well Chris Spealer is basically the same thing in this game. Don't tell your friends though, keep the domination on stealth mode. OPT starts off hot, but then craps out, Josh Everett kills all Oly Lifts with the special split move, and Jason Khalipa destroys most stuff except long runs, he actually dies. These are to just name a few options. Wardrobe selections are initally provided by Russell Athletics or Spalding, but once you level up you can buy Life as Rx, 2POOD, Lululemon, or Rogue to name a few. Buying clothing gives you style points and cred, which can influence judging at local and regional competitions, but you will have to weigh spending later between clothing, whole foods, and equipment so don't blow your wod.

You start your journey on foot trying to convince fools, I mean potential clients, of Crossfit's superiority over their Globo routine. Convincing comes in the form of small gym throwdowns. These are easy as pie unless you get challenged with some bench press, which depending on your challenger, you could lose. When you get to the firebreather gyms in later rounds like Valley Crossfit, Front Range, or RAW Training they become increasingly harder. If you lose to a girl you get stripped of all your upgrades and start from the beginning so whatever you do, do not do that! I will come back to this later.

The small gym throwdowns consist of basic benchmarks, Fran, Murph, Helen, etc. Most of your challengers die of lack of oxygen or vomit continuously before you have time to even get warmed up. So savor in the cash you will earn from picking them up. You earn more cash by holding worthless in box seminars from old broken down coaches with PVC pipe and Paleo challenges that everyone cheats on. Yeah!

Once you start getting a couple G's then here is how your money can be used:

Use the cash to buy more equipment for gaining additional clients-which in turn gives you more special powers

Use the cash to buy more clothing/gear-which influences judging and lets you cheat reps at the games(very important)

or

Use your cash to go to whole foods-which increases your strength and endurance

Now the special moves only come in handy when the wod asks for it, so this is pretty much a lottery. They can range from maniacal muscle-ups to atomic oly lifts. Upgrade wisely. If the wod don't fit, your special move is not legit. This will be covered further in Part 2.

So back to the game. You are earning good cold hard cash and gaining all sorts of awesome upgrades. Sooner or later you will get challeneged by Firebreather boxes. Now these can be either by men or women. If your character is a woman and you beat a dude, he immediately bursts into flames and is forced to undergo a rapid sex change operation in order to come back and compete.

If you are a dude and you think that you will lose to a girl then you must immediately fork over all of your remaining cash to the judge so he can AJ Moore her ass and give her continuous no reps. This will destroy your cash flow for the time being, but will prevent you from utter humiliation and starting the game over.

As you progres the local competitions will give you free samples of Progenex and paleo-kits, but these don't help out too much. At the regional competitons you will earn free gear. If your character is a girl then this can consist of see through bras and booty shorts. If your character is a dude then it's most likely small tank tops and only extra-small SKINS. Wearing these revealing articles of clothing will cause confusion within the judges and most likely they will have to look away from your range of motion. These moments you must use to cheat reps or shorten the range of motion to save energy.

Part 2 Coming Soon!